Propa Images

Archive for December, 2009

Once again, I was stuck in traffic. While our transport was stalled, an old lady selling flowers walked across. She caught my attention because I am used to seeing young children vending flowers, but rarely have I seen old people doing just that. At her age, she should be enjoying the remaining years of her life resting at home, but here she was, probably helping augment the family’s income.
The United Nations now officially calls these older people the “elderly”. I would like to think that the elderly, having achieved much in life in terms of experience, are given the opportunity to share their wisdom with the younger generation. We know that most elders live a less active life, having retired from their careers and the rigors of raising family. So, seeing a elders selling flower struck my sensitive chord. I had to call her. She could not hear me so I waved frantically as the traffic light was near to changing. When I finally bought her flower, I could see that she was quite happy as she walked to another car. Nothing beats experiencing talking and relating with the elderly. I would also recommend reading storybooks that might allow you and your child to have a deeper appreciation for elderly people. There are two books available in our local bookstores — one written by an English-American lady and the other by a Filipino. The first book is The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams. This can be simplified and re-told to our young children. When telling a story to children, we should keep in mind: “the younger the child, the simpler the language should be”. If you were to tell this to your 1-year-old, you should buy the book with visuals or pictures. For the 2- to 5-year-old, the picture book and your simplified translation will do. The 6-year old and older will enjoy the book itself, read by you or by them. The adult will love the story, as it is timeless! It has so much wisdom and love in it.
Let me quote the best part of The Velveteen Rabbit. The conversation takes place in a child’s room between 2 old and wise playthings, a Rabbit and a Skin Horse. “What is real?” asked the Rabbit one day. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become RFAL. It doesn’t happen all at once. You become. It takes a long time. Generally, by the time you are real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes dropped out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are REAL, you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”
What do these books tell us? The elderly, although they might not look as pretty as they used to with their teeth falling, their hair sparse and bodies bent like a witch, are REAL and, as the Skin Horse explained to the Rabbit, they are beautiful to those who love them.
Little kids can be quite frank and tell you straight in your eye that you don’t look pretty or your clothes look bad on you. That may just happen when they see old ladles and men. Talk to your young one and explain that they should be gentle and respectful of the elderly, as they are precious persons.

We can show our love for the elderly by greeting them and asking them sincerely how they are, what they do, and wish them well. We can teach our kids to give way to the elderly — offer them your seat, help them across the room, and serve them first. Lucky are the kids who have their grandparents at home or see them often. For grandparents need the young to liven up their lives and children are sure to get more than bits of wisdom from these loving folks.

The way to get a kid to eat is not to try. You have to let it be her idea. YOU SHOULDN’T FORCE YOUR CHILD TO EAT (OR RESTRICT THE AMOUNT SHE EATS). It is the most unhelpful thing you can possibly do. To either of you. Pressuring your child to eat can make her eating worse, and make her grow poorly, and make her feel bad about herself and her body and her eating. Forcing can make YOU miserable. It can make meals and feeding degenerate from a fun and satisfying process into a battle in which nobody wins.
Parents (and children) get into trouble with feeding when they cross the lines of division of responsibility: When they do what they shouldn’t, and fail to do what they should. You are crossing the lines when you try to control the amount your child eats. Any direct control on the amount a child eats amounts to pressure—from then on, it’s just a matter of degree. You are also crossing the lines when you fail to take responsibility for planning and preparing meals and snacks and for making them important.
I am fully aware that you are probably pressuring, because almost all parents do, just like their parents did before them. Parents pressure from good intentions—because they want the best for their child and because they want her to grow up well and strong and well-formed and lovely. They think they need to put on pressure to get their child to eat enough (but not too much) and to eat the right stuff.
Wrong, all wrong. This most logical and pervasive of presumptions just does not hold up when you look at it closely. Research has shown (as I will elaborate later) that when adults put pressure on eating, children don’t eat as well and grow as well’. Period.
I am not advocating letting kids do exactly what they want with eating and food selection. That is called anarchy. And neglect.
There is a difference between putting on the pressure and setting limits. If you fail to set limits you won’t like what happens, and your child will not do well. You have to find the middle ground between being too rigid and controlling and letting things get out of control. We’ll wait to talk more in other chapters about finding that middle ground. The message here in this chapter, Pressure Doesn’t Work, will get you generally oriented, combat all the misinformation out there, and get you ready to take a look, in some of the other chapters, at some of the tactics that DO work.
Let’s start out by looking at some of the many ways you can get into forcing with feeding.